I miss you.

I can’t stop thinking about you. Dreaming about you. Hypothesizing what you would say if you were here, if you only knew. Being tricked into thinking you are still here when you are not.

Everything reminds me of you. I want to hold on to pieces of you, pieces that are already fading and disseminating. I have pictures, which only make me feel worse. Make me feel worse because they represent times I cannot remember. I am tiny, and you have a look of love on your face. You’ve loved me for so long, even when I didn’t realize it. I hadn’t realized how much I rely on your silent support and implied unconditional love. I still do I guess, I just don’t know how. I want to send you an email. I want to get a reply. I want to send pictures, see pictures. I want you to enjoy all the things I know you loved here. I don’t want them to go away. I didn’t want you to go away, not yet. It’s never going to feel right and no one can understand. Empathize, but not understand. You made me feel more important and special than anyone could. Everything I did was right and now I don’t know where to go. I know it’s not going to pass. I keep thinking there is something I can do to change things. But there’s not. You’re gone and that’s it, I just have to learn to feel this new feeling. It’s always in the back of my heart, constant, a calm love combined with an angry longing.

I miss my grandparents.